21. Flammable Outliers

What is in an identity? What makes us who we are? Are we born the way we are destined to be, or do people make us? Perhaps a combination of the two? Sometimes people don't fit together so perfectly, however. Their personality and choices seem to be unrelated to influence and genes. They are the outliers. Society is uncomfortable with outliers. 

Are these people good or bad, or just gray? Is there anyway of knowing? Humanists believe that people are inherently good. Even if there are 'bad people', they're just a little gray. I disagree. I can't speak for others, but I can speak for myself. I'm a bad person. I'm not good, I'm not even gray. I'm pitch black. I'm an outlier. I can't blame my genes, I can't blame my circumstances, I've got no disease, I'm just bad. Trust me, God and I alone know just how bad I am. The good part is that I don't need to try to defend the evil. Sin is woven into me. Sin is human nature. The closest to unnatural we can get is God's Spirit. Holiness is against our grain, but some part of us recognizes its goodness and fulfillment. Do you feel like a black-blooded sinner? You should. Maybe you don't see it yet, but you will. You'll find your vice, and you'll try to legitimize it, then you'll know. 

If I were God, I'd start over. I'd dump us little blighters and make a new race in a new existence. I'd let this one burn itself down. It's a good thing I'm not God. I'm not going to preach, 'cause most people know the story. The Messiah is the only source of water on this blood-red earth. We can wash and drink in Him. Our blood still runs thick with tar, but at least we can try to scrub ourselves clean before we catch fire. 

God save us.

Twenty // How Much Do I Really Know?

Coming into my late teens, I'm finally realizing that, even if I know a bit, I'm still an idiot. There is a quote that comes to mind, but for the life of me, I can't find who said it. At this point, I'm thinking that I either misquoted so badly that it's impossible to find the source, or I dreamed it up and gave credit to someone else for it. O__o In any case, it's "Knowledge tells you that you're better than everyone else. Wisdom tells you that, in the scheme of things, you're still an idiot." I can now say, without feeling proud, that I am a wise person. Eating Proverbs and Romans like candy has probably helped a bit there. And of course, old fashioned life experience.

Now, for a lot of people, realizing that you don't know anything might be kind of scary, but honestly, it should be a comfort. It means that the stuff that doesn't make sense to you doesn't make sense simply because you don't understand. We live in an orderly world; a beautiful, living, growing, changing world with purpose. We can't control it all, we'd make ourselves crazy if we tried. You can't read minds or keep the sun from setting in the same way you can't understand everything. That doesn't mean that we should not care or stop trying though! Proverbs 25:2 says "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search it out is the glory of kings". God purposefully gave us math, science and logic so that we could study this world and it's workings. It's glorious to study it and understand. It gives him pleasure when we find and enjoy the minute details of his creation. This amazing, structured universe is his handiwork, however, and we have to recognize that to derive the true joy he intended.

When we humble ourselves, as I'm slowly learning to do, we can finally see clearly, or at least as clearly as we were intended to. This has been a process for me. Learning what 'open-minded' really means and catching myself being too much so was an important part. You can't listen too much, but remember to keep thinking, and consulting the Word and people you trust in the process of learning. There is a quote (another one!) by Lawrence Ferlinghetti. I don't have a clue who the guy is, so don't judge me for quoting him if he's a mass murderer or something, but he said "if you're too open minded, your brains will fall out." And too true that is! In my World Views course, I've learned to recognize that I can't compromise a logical conclusion for open mindedness. Being tolerant is second to having morals and being reasonable, and I think just about everyone would agree with that.

Finding that balance between listening, thinking, and acting can be difficult. Through the aforementioned wisdom, I've found that this balance is vital, but applying it is beyond my wisdom, if not beyond wisdom altogether. Say you are in a difficult situation where you think that someone could benefit from hearing your opinion on a matter. You've done lots of praying and reading on the matter and know exactly what you want to say. You can check thinking off of your list. But then you talk to some people about it in order to get an insight into what the other person's point of view may be, and you begin to question if talking to them in this way is correct. Mixed opinions leave you a bit confused. You've listened, and thought, but now how do you act? Not every decision is as straight forward as we might like. Sometimes, the answer just comes to you, but other times, it doesn't.

I'm still working on this. Someday, I hope that these three things can finally work together to produce clear answers. Humility and acceptance that I might never know enough for that to happen is a comfort.

Now, I'd generally direct this kind of stuff to people who are my age: older teens and young adults. But I think everyone could learn a bit from this. I've seen so, so, sooo many adults who think they've got it all together and know everything. Honestly, it makes me feel a bit queasy. One great thing you can do for your kid or someone you have charge over is to show them you don't know everything. Give them all that you can, but don't act like you're the end all king or queen of experience and wisdom. I've been blessed with many adults in my life, including my parents and teachers, who recognize that they aren't perfect and don't know everything. Instead of trying to be the god figure in their students and childrens' lives, they step down a bit and leave God to be who He is. That's a great gift. And a pretty darn easy one to give. ^__^

I won't beg you to read this or leave comments, but, you know, if the mood strikes...

Neighntean: Remember, Remember...

No matter how much I love V, Guy Fawkes and Anonymous, I've got more important stuff to remember at the moment.

It's been an interesting past couple weeks, and I've learned a lot about myself through them. How things from your past really do change you. I'm definitely a nature over nurture kinda person, but I've seen personally how one's past can dictate how one turns out. Someday, I might even letcha know about my story. At the moment though... it's still a skeleton in the closet. Do you go around telling people about the dead bodies? I didn't think so.

Remembering isn't just a way of understanding yourself, though. It's also a way of reclaiming yourself. It's hard to put something behind you and try to change when you don't even know where the problems were from at the start. People say the first, and hardest, step is realizing that there is something wrong with you or your actions, but really, that's second nature to me, and probably to a lot of other people. And, really, pinpointing the the origin, though it took plenty of time, wasn't really hard either. The hard part is fixing it. Plain and simple. You're addicted to coke? Yeah, you know you're life is driven by your next fix, you know you started using when your daughter died and your wife left you, and you know the hard part is gonna be changing it. How do you change it? How do you change the fact that you're daughter is dead? How do you get over something like that?

Of course, this is an example. I've never even touch a cigarette, let alone a needle, and am only going on seventeen, but I think my own issues are just as bad as these. I have my own kind of addictions and obsessions.

The one thing, the only thing, that gets me by and keeps me from doing something terrible, is knowing that God's there. Whatever the crap He wants, I'll deal with. I know He's got something up His sleeve for all of this; a plan for my life. And, you know, it sucks like all get out, but I'm okay with it. He can use my circumstances and my downfalls as routes to goodness. And only through Him can my life be anything like good, even if it still sucks.

If you know me, I can just imagine what's going through you're mind. Trust me, you're wrong. Someday you'll understand, maybe.

And if you got this far, whoever you are, please leave a comment with your opinion on bad experiences; specifically or generally! I'd love to hear what you feel.